Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

🤨

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.