Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

lmaaaaaooooooooo

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.