Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.