Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.