Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

😐

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

me and my fake scenarios

look scared

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers