Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked