Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound