Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
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[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I wish I were this cool 😂
#Caturday
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
hmmmmmm
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband