Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

79.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.