Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

✌🏽

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

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They’re the only culture some people have.

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