Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?