Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

guys i’ve cracked the code

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them