Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
mentally somewhere in italy
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.