Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

2022 will be better than 2021

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

Go hard or stay average

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.