Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”