Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”