Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
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Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
