Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on