Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
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Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Pat is about to own someone
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Sounds like a bargain
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered