her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
You Might Also Like
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!