Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!