Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

so, is there a mister shapen head

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this