Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats