Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

A friend helps you before you need it

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?