HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
When your diet is finally over.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife