Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

As the Lord intended

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.