her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.