HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
You Might Also Like
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me driving through Toronto
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Sounds like a real hoot.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
#damn
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young