HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.