Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.