Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

this… may be the greatest story ever told

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

My neck my back my allergy attack

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.