Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.