Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

The photographer’s assistant

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.