her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.