her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats