Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*