Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends