Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

What legos do when we’re not looking.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.