Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grew big

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

New menu item

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?