her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Rooting for the overdog
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
a badder mouse
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Stick it to the man
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.