her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
never compromise your values
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.