her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Ken is short for chicken
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants