her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
some cats are just doing for fun!
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Waiting for the Charmin
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”