Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

Mhm.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.