her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
🤣😂🤣😂
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
This classic never gets old . . .
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.