Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

peak technology

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay