her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Need this in my life lol
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling