Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

She might be a genius

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

I think I’ll stand

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

When you don’t understand how floors work

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business