Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Cold.

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions