Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Alexa: *deep breath*

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

What happened to the other hiker??!

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.