Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s