ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[gently brushes your hair out of your face]
“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer