Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle


Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top


religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious


Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016


[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper


Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.


Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.


Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.