Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

So that’s what we looked like?

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.