her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
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“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
real
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The police never think its as funny as you do.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.