Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone