Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts