Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
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Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Canada has crack?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
boat question
