Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal