Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

*serious situation*

My brain:

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog