Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!