Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?