@mrjohndarby

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

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@TuSoonShakur

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

@ndiquote

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

@CornOnTheGoblin

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

@TweetPotato314

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

@ohpegah

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

@LaceyNycole

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@KeetPotato

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”