mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”