Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*