Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.