Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

Schrödinger’s cookie

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.