her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
You Might Also Like
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Mhm.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.