Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

choose your gary

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

🦝🔥🦝🔥

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)