Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents