Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

More like Kate Missington.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

This rocks

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.