her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
You learn something every day
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
How software testing works
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.