her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
cause of death:
autopsy.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars