her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.