OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
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Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
😂😂
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Good Morning.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.