Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

💻🤡

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

Stick it to the man

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.