Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.