Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My purse is deeper than some people.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
socratic questions
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.